Colonoscopy: Don't read this unless you want to cry....

[Guest Bluto]

If you've ever had a colonoscopy, this describes it perfectly! If not, you'll see what you have to look forward to!

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Here is a hilarious colonoscopy journal from Dave.

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!

 

'I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

 

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter has to be about about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

 

For the complete Miami Herald column: http://www.miamiherald.com/dave_barry/story/427603.html

Edited June 24, 2008 by Birdsfan

[20/20Hindsight]

Hilarious. :lol:

[All Tell]

I now have tears rolling down my cheeks from laughter. I went through that procedure a year ago and the only thing I have to say about is that I'm 100% certain that the stuff I had to drink the day before (a different brand called Nu-Litely) had been throught someone else before. I though about going to work and taking it while working. That would have been a huge mistake!!!!

 

I'm extremely grateful to the pharmicist that filled the prescription for me told me to mix it the night before and then refrigerate it until good and cold. While still the vilest tasting stuff that I have ever had the pleasure? of drinking (4 liters in 4 hours), the cold made it a bit better.

[nees1212]

That is great, and so very true. :laugh:

[BoondockSaint]

:lol: :lol: I love Dave Barry.

[spindoc]

Classic!

[NEERFAN]

That's funny, strange thing is I've was singing that dreaded song all morning.

[Birdsfan]

I was laughing so hard I couldn't see to read! :lol:

 

There is so much truth in that story; and it applies to just about any hospital experience.

 

Dave Barry has always been my favorite writer, and a big influence. That's a guy I would love to meet someday.:thumb:

[Jim Schue]

Very, very funny. But I thought Dave Barry had retired?

[Beechwoodfan]

Congrats to you and your colon for "passing".

[PurpleHaze]

:cry::cry::cry::laugh::laugh:OMG!!! This is soooo true. OH, it is sooo true. I am supposed to go through this thing again, soon. I might be late making my appointment, but, oh to drink that stuff again is just not my idea of a fun evening. I do need to do it because of the pre-cancer growth I had last time....but oh. What was worse is when I went in I had one of those old fashioned bag emema's...you know, the bag that your grandma always had hanging in her bathroom on the towel rack? I don't know what else they expected me to get out. I was even followed into the bathroom to see my bm...if the procedure is not humiliating enough. OH, and when the nurse was giving me the enema, she told me to let her know when I could not hold anymore and needed to go to the bathroom...she said she would clamp it off and I could finish it up when I got out of the bathroom (like that was something I was looking forward to)! So, I told this nurse that I could not hold anymore and she said, well sure you can. She kept going!:creepy:Then, she said, ok, you can get up to go to the bathroom now and, please, whatever you do, keep it in until you sit down. :scared:I did not know how I was going to keep it in until I sat down...I really didn't. Oh, and I forgot to mention, the bathroom was down the hall and to the right and someone was already in it!!! I did it though...I kept it in...well, some did go in a bed pan, while I was standing up...in front of other people.

 

But boy...when it is over, you do feel good!!! Those pain meds are your reward for going through all of that!:thumb:

[SvFan4life]

Man this thread is hilarious! This could brighten anyone's day! :lol:

[nees1212]

This could brighten anyone's day! :lol:

 

Unless you're getting ready to drink the stuff right now and have to get probed tomorrow.

[SvFan4life]

Unless you're getting ready to drink the stuff right now and have to get probed tomorrow.

 

True!

[STRIKE3]

Oh My....:lol: