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Colonoscopy: Don't read this unless you want to cry....


Guest Bluto

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Oh no! I am supposed to get this done in July. How horrible!

 

 

I can honestly tell you that the Doctor sticking the tube up your butt is a piece of cake, compared to the night before! Without a doubt, one of the worst nights I have ever had. By the time I finished drinking the stuff (about fours hours later), I told my wife to just go ahead and shoot me and trust me, it doesn't get any better the second or even the third time you have it done.

 

IM4THEHOUNDS I truly feel so sorry for you ..... :scared::eek::cry:

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Oh no! I am supposed to get this done in July. How horrible!

 

The scope itself is a piece of cake, a nurse shoots some drugs in the back of your hand and then you wake up with a large woman standing over you telling you to pass gas.

 

The prep is the worst.

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:cry::cry::cry::laugh::laugh:OMG!!! This is soooo true. OH, it is sooo true. I am supposed to go through this thing again, soon. I might be late making my appointment, but, oh to drink that stuff again is just not my idea of a fun evening. I do need to do it because of the pre-cancer growth I had last time....but oh. What was worse is when I went in I had one of those old fashioned bag emema's...you know, the bag that your grandma always had hanging in her bathroom on the towel rack? I don't know what else they expected me to get out. I was even followed into the bathroom to see my bm...if the procedure is not humiliating enough. OH, and when the nurse was giving me the enema, she told me to let her know when I could not hold anymore and needed to go to the bathroom...she said she would clamp it off and I could finish it up when I got out of the bathroom (like that was something I was looking forward to)! So, I told this nurse that I could not hold anymore and she said, well sure you can. She kept going!:creepy:Then, she said, ok, you can get up to go to the bathroom now and, please, whatever you do, keep it in until you sit down. :scared:I did not know how I was going to keep it in until I sat down...I really didn't. Oh, and I forgot to mention, the bathroom was down the hall and to the right and someone was already in it!!! I did it though...I kept it in...well, some did go in a bed pan, while I was standing up...in front of other people.

 

But boy...when it is over, you do feel good!!! Those pain meds are your reward for going through all of that!:thumb:

 

:laugh:

 

I kept thinking about the scene in "The Right Stuff" when they had to hold the bags up while walking to another floor to let them out.

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Guest Bluto
Unless you're getting ready to drink the stuff right now and have to get probed tomorrow. :D

 

I told a good friend of mine that I had a "great" story about colonoscopies, and he said "I don't want to hear it. I'm going in for one on Wednesday...!"

 

I'll hit him with this on Friday!

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:laugh:

 

I kept thinking about the scene in "The Right Stuff" when they had to hold the bags up while walking to another floor to let them out.

 

:sssh::laugh::laugh:I never really thought about it before, but, yep...it was kinda like The Right Stuff! So, does drinking the wrong stuff give you the right stuff?:confused::lol::lol::lol:

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If you've ever had a colonoscopy, this describes it perfectly! If not, you'll see what you have to look forward to!

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Here is a hilarious colonoscopy journal from Dave.

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!

 

'I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

 

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter has to be about about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

 

For the complete Miami Herald column: http://www.miamiherald.com/dave_barry/story/427603.html

 

:lol: :lol:

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I love Dave Barry and I thought he had retired also.

 

I have never had this done, and it's time, and I don't know if I ever want it done. Although after what I went through with my heart surgery, I don't think anything would bother me. So I suppose we could make it a couple thing and "go":D together.

 

My husband told me that nothing is off limits with me anymore. When we went to have my staples taken out, the doctor was looking at my legs and talking about those staples. I realized that he wasn't paying any attention to the staples in my chest and since I didn't want him to miss them, I raised up my blouse, undid my bra and said, "what about these". I meant the staples but he and MrRk just cracked up. Trust me, before May 12th I would never have done that. So a tube up my WHAT? Bring it on:lol::lol::lol:

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