Marriage Isn't About Your Happiness

[Theoldguy]

As one who soon will be married 47 years, I can't image life without my Bride.

 

She is the Mother of my Daughter, the person who sat with me and held my hand when I went in for heart surgery, she was also the person who told the Heart Surgeon, if he does this to me again, just let him die, cause I will kill him the next time.

 

She sat through so many of my baseball games as my girlfriend and wife that she refuses to attend more than 1 game of Football, Basketball, or Baseball unless of course my Daughter and Son-in-law have a child, then she will sit and watch every game, no matter the weather.

 

Why have we had success in our Marriage? Well we have worked at it, we try very hard to treat each other with the respect and love that we want from the other. Have we had disagreement? Sure, but I have been blessed by a woman who understand that I might blow up but seconds later I am saying I am so sorry, so she just lets me vent. Her? She is the most kind and thoughtful person in the world. I have never heard a single person say anything negative about her and while I could care less about anything anyone would say or do to me, don't mess with my Bride, as you just might find yourself hurting.

 

Honestly, I am the luckiest man alive to have found someone as wonderful as my Bride and it's my goal in life to make her happy, as she makes me happy all the time just by being by my side for the last 46 years, and is to me at least she still the most beautiful women in the world.

 

You can be single all you want but when I get home from work or a game, I am met at the door with a smile and a hug and I can talk to her and she listens and when she hugs and kisses me, all the troubles in the world go away.

[theguru]

For balance in this thread:

 

It’s time to blow the lid off a huge myth in our culture — the idea that putting yourself first is selfish. Sure, no one wants to be that girl that truly thinks that the world should cater to her schedule and desires, but putting yourself first doesn’t make you a terrible person. When you love someone else, it’s natural to want to prioritize their desires and needs because we want to make them happy. But loving others doesn’t mean that you can love yourself, too.

 

The bottom line is that we have to take care of ourselves. The harsh reality is that you can’t save anybody else and you definitely can’t force the world to change. You’re the only thing in this world that you have full control over. If you’re running on E, you have absolutely no energy to put into others, so here are 12 reasons that putting your own physical/mental/emotional needs first puts you in the position to actually be selfless.

 

1. The people you love the most love you back. You want your friends to be healthy, happy, and thriving and they want the same for you. If you’re beaten down physically and mentally, your irritability will start to affect not only yourself, but also the ones you love. By spending time on you, you’re able to put more energy into your relationships.

 

2. If you love yourself, you’ll actually know how to love other people. By spending time on yourself, you get to know yourself. Deep down, we’re all the same. We’re all vulnerable and tender, and we all have our own passions and desires. If you’re comfortable enough with your own faults, you’ll learn to love other people with theirs.

 

3. You have to rest your star player if you want your team to succeed. You’re the all-star of your team. No matter how strong your supporting players are, you still need to show up to do well. If you’re stressed and burned out, you’ll freeze and be unable to face your challenges. Sometimes you need to let go of your obligations, rest and recoup, and come back and face life like a boss.

 

4. No one else will be able to save you. No one is going to do the work for you. No one’s going to drop out of the stars and point you in the right direction. A knight in shining armor isn’t going to come swoop you off of your feet. You’re all you’ve got, babe. There’s no use complaining to whoever will listen, waiting for someone to make a change for you. So take the time and do the work for yourself and you will reap the benefits. Who knows, you may encourage your friends to do the same.

 

5. You’ve got to refuel if you want to have something to offer. Stress, anxiety, and downright exhaustion take a major toll on your body and mind. In order to help your friends with their problems, you need to be fully present in the conversation. But if you push yourself to the absolute limit, you barely have enough energy to go through the motions.

 

6. You can’t change the world, but you sure as hell can change yourself. The only way you can help the world be a better place is by being a better person. Plain and simple. Everyone wants to change the way of the world, but many aren’t willing to start with themselves.

 

7. You have to take care of yourself first. It’s in our nature to be selfish. We often don’t to things unless we can get something out of them, as well, so take care of your needs first. Only when you’re taken care of can you help take care of others too.

8. You don’t live with your mom anymore. It doesn’t matter why you’re mad, sick, and tired. But honey, we’re all there at one point or another. Always consider your feelings first, because no one else is going to. Mom isn’t there any more to make you meals and have your back no matter what; you have to make sure you’re taken care of all by yourself.

 

9. You aren’t disregarding the needs of others. Just because you put your own needs first doesn’t mean you’re disregarding others. Even if you try to understand why they need what they need, you will no doubt realize that it’s impossible to do so. You will come to the realization that catering to others can only make you spiteful and resentful. Life is all about compromise.

 

9 Reasons You Should Always Put Yourself First In Life

[lawildcat]

As someone who has been divorced once, I will say that absolutely it was about my happiness...and my mental health and my physical health.

 

Unless you are a fly on the wall, you have no idea what goes on within a marriage so no one is in a position to judge when someone wants to end theirs.

 

If you don't have self love and you aren't happy, how are you going to make your partner happy?!

[theguru]

As someone who has been divorced once, I will say that absolutely it was about my happiness...and my mental health and my physical health.

 

Unless you are a fly on the wall, you have no idea what goes on within a marriage so no one is in a position to judge when someone wants to end theirs.

 

If you don't have self love and you aren't happy, how are you going to make your partner happy?!

 

Thank you @lawildcat that is exactly the point I was trying to make.

[Bengal Maniac]

I think a point the blogger is trying to make though, is that many today are miserable/not in love any longer because they don't/haven't gone about marriage with the right mindset.

 

I'll use a very simple, yet on point analogy; I have young kids quite often show up for the first time at basketball workouts/practice, and we start out with specific drills. We might start with 3-4 different dribble drills. After 3-4 minutes, I may have 2-3 kids come up to me..."coach I can't do this...coach I can't do this". Happens all the time. They want to give up at the first sign of adversity, instead of buckling down, fighting thru and overcoming, and in the process getting better. Marriage, in essence, is no different. Some want to bail the first time they "dribble one off their foot" and things get a little tough. It takes commitment, time and willingness to work to overcome with the end result of not just making yourself better, but the team. That's my specific take anyway.

 

 

I understand your points, however, being miserable is after lots of time and effort to work things out. Not one fight or spat.

[Science Friction]

As someone who has been divorced once, I will say that absolutely it was about my happiness...and my mental health and my physical health.

 

Unless you are a fly on the wall, you have no idea what goes on within a marriage so no one is in a position to judge when someone wants to end theirs.

 

If you don't have self love and you aren't happy, how are you going to make your partner happy?!

 

Correct!!! As guru said, selfishness is almost always given a negative connotation. It's not always a negative.

[BigVMan23]

I understand your points, however, being miserable is after lots of time and effort to work things out. Not one fight or spat.

 

 

Well sure, people are going to get married that absolutely shouldn't be together and was a disaster from the start. I'm not saying divorce shouldn't exist, not at all. But I do believe there is a "laissez faire" attitude prevalent today, in many aspects of life, and people just don't put the work in.

 

As for self sacrifice and putting others first and what @theguru stated above. Sure, you have to love yourself...if you don't love yourself, it's probably going to be very hard for others to like you, much less love you. But part of loving AND respecting yourself, I believe, is knowing that self sacrifice brings love to others, and after all is said and done we are here for our loved ones, we aren't here for ourselves. With that, there are times to say "no"...there are times when one needs to pamper themselves and fulfill some of their own needs. And IF they have a husband/wife that understands that, then they should be more than glad to give them the space and the time to do so. It becomes a problem when "fulfilling my own needs" becomes the focus, and "self sacrifice" becomes a distant second. Mommy is probably a better mommy/wife when she has a few hours a week to go get her nails done, do a little shoe shopping, maybe a couple of hours out with the girls for shrimp cocktail and wine. And daddy is probably a better daddy/husband when he gets a few hours a week to get some golf in, take in a basketball game or play a little poker with the boys. One can't "give give give" all the time for sure, it would kill them...just like one can't "take take take" all the time and expect to have someone put up with that.

[Sportsaholic Mamaw]

Papaw and I will celebrate our 50TH Wedding Anniversary next year, high school sweethearts. I can say that marriage is almost never 50/50. Some days 100/0, some 75/25. But the number isn't what matters, it's knowing when your partner needs you more that day or maybe I need more from Papaw some days, and we both know each other so well. We can tell even without a word spoken. The Big experiences are not really the important ones. I may be on BGP and Papaw comes in from a meeting about one of his favorite subjects, sorry BGP but I lay aside my laptop to listen. Also, this last year has been hard for him, ten hours of back surgery and two surgeries have taken the wind from my sails. He has had to learn to cook and do everything around the house and help me, too. I send him happily off to his meetings and discussion groups because I know he needs a break. And each time I have been in for surgeries, Papaw packed a bag and also his candy stash and never came home until I did. It is so special when you do these things for each other and you haven't asked. Before retirement we kissed each morning before work, after lunch as he left. After retirement I told him, hey I miss those hugs and kisses throughout the day. I laugh when I remember how many times the grandchildren squeezed in between us for their kiss and hug. He has also had to take over my flower beds because he knows I love them and he made me a heart shaped one after a surgery. He was so proud, he came in to get me so I could see it. Cost was nothing but I cried. I believe "Love isn't love until you give it away" but then it comes back to you a hundred billion times. I know we are lucky, and we never take each other for granted. And we never disrespect one another. He still opens doors and pulls out chairs for me. And I still say thank you.

[nkypete]

I'd love to comment but I wonder if my comments would force this thread to move to the Religion forum.

 

I would like to hear your thoughts.

 

Have at it, Pete.

 

OK, I have been encouraged to respond (even at the expense that I am going to take this in a "religious" direction). I'm going to come from the perspective of the Catholic Church's teaching on Marriage, because, after all, I'm Catholic and that is who I am. I realize that a lot of those on here are not Catholic (or even Christian), but I at least wanted to provide perspective on historical views of the topic. While doing it, I hope to provide some connection to the issue of happiness within Marriage. (Note: I want to give credit to "Catholic Answers" for some of the following content. I did a lot of copy and paste from their website and then interjected some of my own personal thoughts throughout.)

 

Let's start with what the Catholic Catechism says:

"The sacrament of matrimony signifies the union of Christ and the Church. It gives spouses the grace to love each other with the love with which Christ has loved his Church; the grace of the sacrament thus perfects the human love of the spouses, strengthens their indissoluble unity, and sanctifies them on the way to eternal life" (CCC 1661).

 

When Jesus came, he elevated Matrimony (another word for marriage) to the same status it had originally possessed between Adam and Eve—the status of a Sacrament. I'm not going to go into all aspects of the teaching, especially since it involves getting into the subject of divorce and annulments and when it OK to do either. Safe to say, the Church treats Marriage and the preparation process as a big deal (because it is supposed to be life long). Like it or not, the Catholic Church preserves the teaching of Jesus and the early Christians, even when other denominations have modified their teachings to accommodate the pro-divorce ethos that dominates modern culture.

 

The permanence of Matrimony is not a commandment of our society, but one that comes directly from Jesus Christ. Fortunately, God will ensure that the sacramentally married have the grace necessary to live out their marriage vows and either stay married or live continently. The sacrament of matrimony itself gives this grace. Whenever we face a trial, God ensures that we will have the grace we need. As St. Paul says, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it" (1 Cor. 10:13).

 

I know that can be very painful words, especially for those who endure very unfortunate and painful situations that end up in separation. There is why it is encouraged for both the man and the woman to be practicing the faith, having an understanding the Sacrament and go through a preparation process to cover a number of aspects of what is involved in Marriage.

 

It is all about "Getting Ready for the 'I Do'". A marriage is the start of a new home and family. Spiritual life is at the core of things. We can't ignore God and then suddenly switch on prayer when we need it-at the bed of a very sick child, for instance, or a dying parent. Marriage includes the giant moments of our lives-childbirth and financial crisis, glorious romance and sordid arguments about money, hilarious fun with children and ghastly arguments with anguished teenagers. This is a spiritual journey; we need not stagger blindly along without a light. Of course, God is always there when we need him, but we should not turn to him as embarrassed strangers-he should be someone we know and address as a loving friend. We need a language in which to do it. We can have favorite prayers and favorite places to pray. Courtship is a time when all sorts of special memories are being created. The priest is very instrumental in the instruction aspect of the marriage preparation process.

 

They have a right to know, too, that the Church is with them all the way as they marry, that all of us who are members of the Church will be slightly in awe of them for a moment as they stand at the altar to make those promises and minister this great sacrament to one another. That's why people cry at weddings. It's a sudden realization that we are back at the beginning, back where God started it all. And any pre-marriage talk must end by wishing them every blessing and letting them all know that God will never let them down on this great adventure.

 

Regarding the topic of happiness. There are two general sorts of happiness—material and spiritual. Material happiness is what we receive from material good fortune—health, prosperity, etc. Spiritual happiness is what we receive from spiritual good fortune—grace and forgiveness, performing works of mercy, and in the next life attaining the beatific vision of God. When people say that God has not promised us happiness, they usually mean that God has not promised us material happiness in this life. In this life we may have to undergo suffering, even great suffering. But God has promised spiritual happiness, especially in the next life, to all who follow him.

 

How do Marriage and Happiness tie together? We need to go back to that passage from the Catechism. "The sacrament of matrimony signifies the union of Christ and the Church. It gives spouses the grace to love each other with the love with which Christ has loved his Church; the grace of the sacrament thus perfects the human love of the spouses, strengthens their indissoluble unity, and sanctifies them on the way to eternal life". Those without Christ solidly within their Marriage will never fully understand that Spiritual Happiness is the ultimate goal.

[theguru]

Papaw and I will celebrate our 50TH Wedding Anniversary next year, high school sweethearts. I can say that marriage is almost never 50/50. Some days 100/0, some 75/25. But the number isn't what matters, it's knowing when your partner needs you more that day or maybe I need more from Papaw some days, and we both know each other so well. We can tell even without a word spoken. The Big experiences are not really the important ones. I may be on BGP and Papaw comes in from a meeting about one of his favorite subjects, sorry BGP but I lay aside my laptop to listen. Also, this last year has been hard for him, ten hours of back surgery and two surgeries have taken the wind from my sails. He has had to learn to cook and do everything around the house and help me, too. I send him happily off to his meetings and discussion groups because I know he needs a break. And each time I have been in for surgeries, Papaw packed a bag and also his candy stash and never came home until I did. It is so special when you do these things for each other and you haven't asked. Before retirement we kissed each morning before work, after lunch as he left. After retirement I told him, hey I miss those hugs and kisses throughout the day. I laugh when I remember how many times the grandchildren squeezed in between us for their kiss and hug. He has also had to take over my flower beds because he knows I love them and he made me a heart shaped one after a surgery. He was so proud, he came in to get me so I could see it. Cost was nothing but I cried. I believe "Love isn't love until you give it away" but then it comes back to you a hundred billion times. I know we are lucky, and we never take each other for granted. And we never disrespect one another. He still opens doors and pulls out chairs for me. And I still say thank you.

 

Thanks for sharing @Sportsaholic Mamaw Heartwarming!

[Jumper_Dad]

If you don't want to put your spouse first, if you don't want to make sure they are happy then I'm not sure what you're doing married except for short term gratification.

 

You can't short yourself or make yourself miserable at the expense of making your spouse happy, but for the life of me I can't understand why their happiness isn't at the top of things you would want.

 

Are their couples that should divorce, absolutely there are. Spousal abuse, drug use and infidelity are all good reasons to move on from a marriage.

 

A couple of things I've figured out over 27+ years of marriage...

 

1) There is no place for sarcasm in a marriage like you see on Sit-Coms, those ripping comments you see on TV don't heal as quickly in real life.

2) Yes, you can and probably should go to bed mad. When you are mad or upset you can both say or do things that you wished you wouldn't have later. Go to bed and sleep on it, in a lot of cases something that seemed like a huge deal one day is almost insignificant after sleeping on it.

3) Pick a Damn Restaurant, always have a go to ready when you get the usual "I don't care" answer. Don't fight over it or his/her not being able to decide...just have a place in mind and go there. Your spouse will either be fine with it or will pick some place the next time they are asked. Either way, where you are eating isn't worth fighting over.

4) Do some of the chores around the house your spouse usually does. Nothing makes your husband or wife happier than to have a small task already taken care of for them.

5) Be a TEAM and remember Home Team First and Always, never put your "Bros" or your "Girls" before your spouse...recipe for disaster no matter what they say. Yeah you can still do stuff with your friends but not at the continued expense of the person you took vows with.

6) Go out of your way randomly to make them feel like you appreciate them, send flowers to her job or give him a gift card to Lowes :lol2: just a little sign of love and appreciation that's not tied to a holiday, birthday or anniversary.

7) Put down your phone, take a drive and listen to songs from when you were dating, plan date nights often that revolve around the two of you (without friends)...do things together that are personal between the two of you.

 

#1 rule in finding the person to settle down with. Find someone smarter than you, then hope they never realize it. If you are in love with them and they with you, the rest of it will work out.

[Science Friction]

Papaw and I will celebrate our 50TH Wedding Anniversary next year, high school sweethearts. I can say that marriage is almost never 50/50. Some days 100/0, some 75/25. But the number isn't what matters, it's knowing when your partner needs you more that day or maybe I need more from Papaw some days, and we both know each other so well. We can tell even without a word spoken. The Big experiences are not really the important ones. I may be on BGP and Papaw comes in from a meeting about one of his favorite subjects, sorry BGP but I lay aside my laptop to listen. Also, this last year has been hard for him, ten hours of back surgery and two surgeries have taken the wind from my sails. He has had to learn to cook and do everything around the house and help me, too. I send him happily off to his meetings and discussion groups because I know he needs a break. And each time I have been in for surgeries, Papaw packed a bag and also his candy stash and never came home until I did. It is so special when you do these things for each other and you haven't asked. Before retirement we kissed each morning before work, after lunch as he left. After retirement I told him, hey I miss those hugs and kisses throughout the day. I laugh when I remember how many times the grandchildren squeezed in between us for their kiss and hug. He has also had to take over my flower beds because he knows I love them and he made me a heart shaped one after a surgery. He was so proud, he came in to get me so I could see it. Cost was nothing but I cried. I believe "Love isn't love until you give it away" but then it comes back to you a hundred billion times. I know we are lucky, and we never take each other for granted. And we never disrespect one another. He still opens doors and pulls out chairs for me. And I still say thank you.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Sportsaholic Mamaw]

Sorry we haven't been able to discuss lately. In honor of National Day of Civility, I will try to use positive arguments. Maybe get the country back on track. We do need each other in this melting pot of ages, color, creed, religions or not and sex. It's worth a try, our country is worth a try.:up:

[Jaysie]

I will be married 55 years in Dec. Married at 22, husband 23. Knew each other 10 years. Married and working hard at careers 8 years before kids. I raised kids while he grew his business for 12 years before I joined the work force again. Kids grew up, we both

worked more. Retirement came, and we had to handle more time together again. Was any of this easy. No. Did we have goals. Yes. Did we have to work to keep our love alive. Yes.

Were there times I was selfish. Yes. Did I ever want to run away. Yes. Was it ever to hard. Yes. We chose to keep working and changing and respecting and laughing and loving. Do we do everything together. No. We have different interests , but we enjoy each other's company and sharing. Are we just lucky. No. We never were going to fail.

[Science Friction]

I will be married 55 years in Dec. Married at 22, husband 23. Knew each other 10 years. Married and working hard at careers 8 years before kids. I raised kids while he grew his business for 12 years before I joined the work force again. Kids grew up, we both

worked more. Retirement came, and we had to handle more time together again. Was any of this easy. No. Did we have goals. Yes. Did we have to work to keep our love alive. Yes.

Were there times I was selfish. Yes. Did I ever want to run away. Yes. Was it ever to hard. Yes. We chose to keep working and changing and respecting and laughing and loving. Do we do everything together. No. We have different interests , but we enjoy each other's company and sharing. Are we just lucky. No. We never were going to fail.

 

That's awesome. Takes a special person to make anything work for that long, especially a marriage. You are to be congratulated.