February 4, 201412 yr Some from one of my fav's...Steven Wright: •I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. •Hermits have no peer pressure. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea , does that mean that one enjoys it?
February 4, 201412 yr "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas” - Don Meredith - former SMU and Dallas Cowboys quarterback and Monday Night Football announcer "Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first" -Grandpa Gustafson in Grumpier Old Men
February 4, 201412 yr Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner you'd better have a great hand.
February 4, 201412 yr Don't get to use it much but when I get the chance I like to drop the....... Friend: "Take It Easy" Me: "If it's not easy I don't take it" My response to "Take it easy" is always, "I'll take it any way I can get it."
February 4, 201412 yr "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas” - Don Meredith - former SMU and Dallas Cowboys quarterback and Monday Night Football announcer "Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first" -Grandpa Gustafson in Grumpier Old Men My grandfather used to say that all of the time when I was a kid, many moons before "Grumpy Old Men" came out.
February 4, 201412 yr George Carlin: "Is there another word for synonym?" "Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?" "If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?" "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?" "Atheism is a non-prophet organization." "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
February 4, 201412 yr Ron White "Once you've seen one set of breasts...you pretty much want to see them all" Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets". He is walking in the psychiatrists office for his appointment and looks around at the patients waiting for theirs and looks at the receptionist and says "Don't tell me this is as good as it gets"
February 4, 201412 yr Next month we're celebrating 12 years of happy marriage. Twelve out of 31 ain't bad.
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