May 3, 201214 yr "You ever feel like the whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes?" - George Goble on an appearance of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson
May 4, 201214 yr "You ever feel like the whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes?" - George Goble on an appearance of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson George Gobel was awesome.
May 4, 201214 yr Details may be a little shaky but... XU grad Brian Grant's rookie year. Playing against the Knicks . ESPN Sportscenter showed highlights of him continually taking it at Pat Ewing and having his shots swatted. ESPN guy said : Brian, don't you get cable!
May 4, 201214 yr All from Mitch Hedberg: - The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. - I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. - Why are there no during pictures? - If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be "messed-up". - I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. - A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. - I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. - Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. - I bought an ant farm, but those "ants" didn't grow "anything".
May 4, 201214 yr From Woody Allen's "Love and Death" Soldier: "He was from our village. He was the village idiot." Boris (Woody Allen): "Yeah. What'd you do? Place?"
May 4, 201214 yr From Dave Attell "There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone against their will." "Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth." "I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders." More from Hedburg to add onto fkyw's post "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah"." "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." "This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty." "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." Daniel Tosh "You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!" "I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun."
February 4, 201412 yr Author Additional police backup was called to a day care in Louisville today, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
February 4, 201412 yr "If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you best teach it to dance." "I sometimes sit and think, but I usually just sit." I love one-liners.
February 4, 201412 yr My doctor told me that I was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. I said "OMG Doc what am I gonna do?" He told me not to worry and to just go home and forget all about it.
February 4, 201412 yr Jackie "the Joke man" Martling was on the Howard Stern show and has some great one liners.
February 4, 201412 yr The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, 'Hey, mind if I smoke?' I always say, 'No. Mind if I fart?' -- Steve Martin
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