July 8, 200917 yr Yeah, as if you thought it was going to be anything but a squirrel! This time, they've resorted to unprecedented tactics, and a disturbing new level of aggression. It's one thing to have a squirrel threaten to jump on your face, or have one throw sticks at you, or even have them destroy your favorite shrubbery. But to experience a coordinated attack by a combination of ground-based, tree-based, AND paratrooper forces, is just...well..ridiculous. This happened to me, a few days ago, but I've been too shaken to discuss it until now. Here's how it all went down. I was sitting on our front porch the other day, minding my own business. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and I had no reason to suspect any kind of nefarious rodent activity. At some point, I happened to glance to my left, catching sight of the enemy making a sniper-like approach from the far side of the porch. He froze...I froze. He knew he'd been discovered, and tried to play it casual. He proceeded to walk right up to and past me, as if I wasn't even there. He took a left under the front bush and wandered out into the yard as if he were just an innocent civilian. I wasn't buying into his lame attempt at foraging. Still, I wasn't prepared to make an aggressive move, and allowed the would-be assassin to make his escape. The incident, while disturbing, was not the first of its kind. I'd been stalked in that spot before. Each time the plot was foiled by a clumsy claw on concrete, an involuntary tail twitch, or inadvertent nibble. But it bothered me enough that I decided to relocate to the backyard, just to be safe. This was just what they were hoping I'd do -- fall right into their trap. I strolled down the driveway to the parking pad out back. At the far edge of the parking pad is a small grassy knoll. The grass there runs quickly into a thin, wooded area separating us from the next street. In this grassy area we have a garden box situated on the left side. The box is enclosed with chicken wire, like Fort Knox, to keep out deer, raccoons, and of course, squirrels. But out of the box grows a long and winding tangle of pumpkin vines about a mile long -- containing one tiny pre-pumpkin. To the left of the garden box, a tool shed sits precariously, hoping not to slide any further down the hill into the next yard. Well, as I said, I strolled down and situated myself near the garden box and its wandering little pumpkin patch. The trees were no more than four feet away across the grass and vines. They were, in fact, so close that the canopy loomed over my head, more than 30 feet above. As I sat there, I suddenly became aware of a gentle rain of some sort of fine debris. It was a curious site. What could this sawdust-like material be falling from? Before I had the chance to ponder the question another second, a sudden cacophony of tree rustling, twig snapping, and some sort of high-pitched yelling of imperceivable commands exploded from above. I had no clue what was happening. Then, without warning, it happened... BAM!! Right in front of my feet, not more that ten inches away, a bomb of some sort struck the the middle of the pumpkin vines with a tremendous thud. It was a sound that could only be compared to a catcher receiving a fastball. It had fallen more than 30 feet from the walnut tree over my head. In a flash, a gray object shot out from the impact crater. In the blink of an eye it scurried into the safety of the woods. Realizing the incredible event I'd just witnessed, I decided to examine the area more closely. As I peered carefully into the vines, I saw a small gray body lying motionless on the ground. He blinked, I flinched. He moved one paw, and then another. Slowly, the obviously shaken para-rodent staggered off into the woods. He sat there for a moment, falsely believing he was out of range of my sights -- had I any. Soon, he walked away slowly and gingerly climbed a tree. At that moment, just for a second, I actually felt bad for the little booger. He obviously had been on the bottom of the failed tandem jump, and had taken the worst of it. I almost felt like The Grinch, with my widdle heart growing by the second...until... I suddenly became aware that I was, at that moment, completely surrounded by enemy forces. These were obviously the landing force. There were two in the trees above. One in a nearby tree. The original two on or near the ground and one stationed atop the tool shed. I wasn't about to let them take me, so I took advantage of their apparent concern for their wounded comrade, and beat a hasty retreat to the safety of a nearby potted banana plant. The attack was over. Yet this attack will go down in history as one of the most well conceived, albeit poorly executed, attacks in all of yard rat history. It was a very close call for your's truly. Had those paratrooper squirrels not failed to properly account for windage, they'd have had me easily. Obviously, they were counting on landing on something much more soft and squishy (me) than a pumpkin patch. You know, if this story had come from anyone else, you'd probably think I'd made up this whole thing. :irked: But I swear it's all true.* After all, stuff like this could only happen to me! :idunno: If you go on Google and research the odds of being hit by a meteorite...and lightning...simultaneously, you'll find that the odds are about twice that of being aerially bombarded by Siamese squirrels. :ohbrother: *With maybe just a wee bit of extra shine on the apple here and there. :sssh:
July 8, 200917 yr Very funny! I think I would get an airsoft gun for self defense. It won't kill the little buggers, but it will sure leave a bruise.
July 8, 200917 yr Awesome story Birdsfan. You should start writing books, possibly murder mysteries, and have a squirrel as your side kick, who helps you solve the mysteries. . :lol:
July 8, 200917 yr Author Awesome story Birdsfan. You should start writing books, possibly murder mysteries, and have a squirrel as your side kick, who helps you solve the mysteries. . :lol:I think the whole, "squirrel sidekick" genre has been played out.
July 8, 200917 yr You really need a pellet gun. Or, some help from these guys: Wow. That is a huge squirrel. :scared::scared::lol:
July 8, 200917 yr BF, here's something to think about next time you're about to turn in for the evening:
July 8, 200917 yr Author Have you been reading Brian Jacques' books again?????:scared::scared:I'm not much of a reader.
July 9, 200917 yr :lol: I've heard people that visit your house comment on the apparent lack of squirrel sightings.
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