A few jokes..

[The Professor]

A driver appeared in court on a charge of speeding. "I understand you were travelling 65 in a 35 mph zone," said the judge.

"That's not true," protested the driver. "I wasn't even doing 35, in fact I wasn't even doing 15, I was barely...."

"That's enough," interrupted the judge. "I'm going to hurry and fine you $40 before you back into something!"

 

 

Two burgulars were robbing an apartment block when they heard the sound of police car sirens.

"Quick! Jump!" said one.

"But we're on the 13th floor," protested his accomplice.

The first burgular replied, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

 

 

A snail was mugged in an alley by two slugs. Later, a detective asked him for a description of the assailants. "Gee," said the snail, "I'm not sure. It all happened so fast."

 

 

Patient: "Doc, I have yellow teeth. What should I do?"

Dentist: "Wear a brown tie."

 

 

 

A woman went to an attorney to ask about a divorce.

"What grounds do you have, madam?"

"About six acres."

"No, I don't think you quite understand. Let me rephrase the question. Do you have a grudge?"

"No, just a parking space."

"I'll try again. Does your husband beat you up?"

"No, I usually get up about an hour before he does."

The attorney could see he was fighting a losing battle. "Madam, are you sure you want a divorce?"

"I'm not the one who wants a divorce," she said. "My husband does. He claims we don't communicate."

[HOMELESS CAMEL]

A woman went to an attorney to ask about a divorce.

"What grounds do you have, madam?"

"About six acres."

"No, I don't think you quite understand. Let me rephrase the question. Do you have a grudge?"

"No, just a parking space."

"I'll try again. Does your husband beat you up?"

"No, I usually get up about an hour before he does."

The attorney could see he was fighting a losing battle. "Madam, are you sure you want a divorce?"

"I'm not the one who wants a divorce," she said. "My husband does. He claims we don't communicate."

 

:lol:

Best one of the bunch.

[Colonels_Wear_Blue]

"Jesus loves you." It's nice to hear in church, but horrifying to hear in a Mexican prison.

[UKMustangFan]

This one contains a naughty word, so I used a (Bleep) instead. If a mod thinks it's against the rules, please delete...

 

Mickey filed for divorce from Minnie.

 

The judge told him, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't legally divorce your wife on the account that she's crazy".

 

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was (Bleeping) Goofy!"

[Clyde]

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

 

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!"

 

Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."

[UKMustangFan]

^Thought you were gonna say "They're all Cubs fans"...

[Getslow]

A farmer is standing out on his front porch and looking out at his prize bull.

 

He turns to his wife and says, "That bull's my champion and he keeps this farm going; I breed him 200 times a year."

 

The farmer's wife looks back at him and says "200 times! Why don't you take a good look next time, you might learn something." and laughs hysterically.

 

Farmer looks over and says "Yeah, he's a heck of a bull but it wasn't all with the same cow."

[35Bird]

Physics Joke

 

An electron was driving in his car and a cop pulled him over.

"Do you know how fast your were going?"

 

"No."

 

"You were going 85 mph."

 

"Thanks Buddy, now I'm lost."

[Colonels_Wear_Blue]

A DEA officer stopped by a ranch in Wyoming and drove up the long gravel drive to the main barn. He stopped his vehicle not too far from the barn, and walked up to an older gentleman who was standing at a water spigot filling a watering tank in the back of a pickup. After introducing himself to the man and establishing that it was, in fact, the rancher who owned the property, the officer told the rancher, "Sir, we have a source that has reported having seen a marijuana crop being grown in this vicinity, so I'm going to have to inspect your ranch."

 

The rancher nodded his head saying, "That'll be fine. Just don't go in the north field over yonder." and he pointed out towards a field behind his house.

 

At that, the DEA officer exploded with anger, saying, "Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!!"

 

He reached back to his rear pants pocket and then produced a badge, proudly displaying it inches from the rancher's face. "You see this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on ANY land...NO QUESTIONS ASKED!! Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"

 

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores as the DEA officer began driving out amongst his fields.

 

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams. He looked up from his work, swiveled his head around, and then he saw the DEA officer running for his life across the north field, being chased by the rancher's prize bull. With each of the officer's strides the bull was gaining ground on the him. The officer was terrified, screaming for help. The rancher hurried over to the fence, and as he did, the DEA officer screamed loudly, "Help!! Help!! What do I do?!"

 

The rancher cupped his hands around his mouth, drew in a deep breath and yelled, "Your badge...show him your badge!"

[The Professor]

A married couple were awaken at dawn by the ringing of the telephone. The man answers the phone, listens to the caller, and replies, "NO I DON'T! WHO DO YOU THINK THIS IS, THE U.S. NAVY?"

His wife asked, "Who was that honey?"

"Oh, some man wanted to know if the coast was clear."

[The Professor]

"Jesus loves you." It's nice to hear in church, but horrifying to hear in a Mexican prison.

Lol.

[kygirl]

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

 

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

 

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

 

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

[nkypete]

This really happened in England!

 

[hoops5]

Physics Joke

 

An electron was driving in his car and a cop pulled him over.

"Do you know how fast your were going?"

 

"No."

 

"You were going 85 mph."

 

"Thanks Buddy, now I'm lost."

I got a charge out of that one.

[hoops5]

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

 

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

 

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

 

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

:lol2: Good one, kygirl!