April 11, 201412 yr Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'
June 11, 201412 yr A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog stand. Man working at the stand gruffly asks him, "Alright, bud...what'll it be?" The monk, handing over a $50 bill, replies "Make me one with everything." The vendor takes the money, frustrated by the large bill that he is being handed. He goes ahead and assembles the hotdog, hands it to the monk, and then does nothing else. The Buddhist is confused for a moment, and then politely says, "My change sir?" The vendor grins widely, and replies, "Change must come from within."
June 11, 201412 yr How can you tell the difference in a chemist and a plumber? Ask them how to pronounce unionized.
June 11, 201412 yr A college student, who was a journalism major, had to write a fascinating story for one of his classes. The class had the entire semester to work on the project. Around the middle of the semester there was a flood in a neighboring community, and the student quickly took a rowboat over there, and the water was six and seven feet deep in some places. As he rowed around the community he eventually came upon an elderly woman rocking in a rocking chair up on top of a roof. He thought to himself, “I’ve got my story right there.” So he rowed over and said to the woman, “Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?” He said, “I’m trying to come up with a great story for a journalism class I'm taking.” So he sat on the roof with the woman and they talked for a few minutes when, from out of nowhere, a Player piano came floating past. The piano was just playing away. The young guy said, “Now that’s a story! Do you know anything about that?” The woman said, “Oh, that’s no story. That’s my sister Sally’s Player piano—that thing’s always playing. That’s nothing special.” Then a few minutes later a cow came floating past, just mooing away. He said, “Now that’s a great story! Look at that cow just floating along and mooing like nothing has happened!” The elderly woman said, “That’s no story. That’s my uncle Ned’s cow. That thing’s probably twelve-years-old.” All of a sudden he looked down, and sure enough, there was a hat just floating downstream. And then the hat stopped dead in its tracks, turned around, and went back about another fifteen yards, It stopped again after a few seconds and turned around and went another fifteen yards. It kept doing this for several minutes. The college student went crazy! He said, “That’s my story! That’s my story!” But the elderly woman said, “That’s no story. That’s my husband Buford. I told him he had to mow the yard come hell or high water.”
June 12, 201412 yr A very tired police officer gets a text from his next door neighbor. It says "You really need to forgive me I've been tapping your wife for 3 months. I just can't get a good hook-up at home" The officer calmly gets his pistol and shoots his wife just as he gets a second text from his neighbor saying "I really hate auto correct, I meant wifi"
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