One of the instructors at the Man Card seminar recently:

 

I would almost guarantee Cat was the first person to open this thread.

I would almost guarantee Cat was the first person to open this thread.

 

This thread was a set up from the words FOR MEN ONLY...

This thread was a set up from the words FOR MEN ONLY...

 

If this were a sting, I KNEW you'd be the first we arrested.

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

There are more widows than widowers because statistically, men die at a younger age than their spouses. Do you know why?

 

Because they want to.

 

That's good. I thought you were going to say because they are used to being ready and waiting on a woman lol.

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

 

:angrybird1:

Lady is at the grocery store checking out. Drunk man behind her looks at her and her kids. One child is about 4'6" dark curly hair. The other is about 3'5" with red hair. So he asks her. "Are your children twins?' she responds "No, why do you think they look alike?" He says "I just figured they were since you are so damned ugly, I couldn't image you having sex more than one time in your life!"

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

Guy walks into the kitchen holding a sheep under his arm. His wife is doing the dishes. He says "Look at this pig I've been having sex with" Wife looks at him and says "you are SOOO stupid! That is a sheep!".

He responds "I wasn't talking to you!"

So where are all the man secrets?

We don't have many, we are pretty simple creatures.

 

1. No matter our facial expressions, or body language, we probably weren't thinking about all that much. Asking us about it will probably leave us both frustrated. If you want to know what we are thinking about, it is usually sports, food, naked women or a hobby (fishing, hunting, golf, etc.). Money might sneak in there but we usually only think about that in terms of how it affects our enjoyment of sports, food, naked women or hobbies.

 

2. There are 3 ways to make us happy. Feed us well, let us eat or drink what we want, and spend time with us naked regularly. That will do the trick.

 

3. When something is wrong, just let us fix it, or at least let us try to fix it. That is how we are wired. We don't want to talk about how we feel about the problem, or worse yet, how you feel about it. Just identify the problem, and let us do something about it. If we fail, then refer to #2 and supply us accordingly.

 

If anyone wants to add to this list, feel free, but that is about all I have at this time.

Lady is at the grocery store checking out. Drunk man behind her looks at her and her kids. One child is about 4'6" dark curly hair. The other is about 3'5" with red hair. So he asks her. "Are your children twins?' she responds "No, why do you think they look alike?" He says "I just figured they were since you are so damned ugly, I couldn't image you having sex more than one time in your life!"

 

The one I heard was a gal was checking out her groceries at Kroger. She has broccoli, yogurt, assorted veggies, panty hose, a magazine, Soy milk, package of skinless, boneless chicken, 6 pack of diet sprite and a bottle of wine.

 

The drunk standing behind her in line says, "Hey, I bet you are single"

 

Gal says "Yes I am. And you could tell that from my shopping list?"

 

Drunk says "No, I could tell that because you are ugly as hell"

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

We don't have many, we are pretty simple creatures.

 

1. No matter our facial expressions, or body language, we probably weren't thinking about all that much. Asking us about it will probably leave us both frustrated. If you want to know what we are thinking about, it is usually sports, food, naked women or a hobby (fishing, hunting, golf, etc.). Money might sneak in there but we usually only think about that in terms of how it affects our enjoyment of sports, food, naked women or hobbies.

 

True story:

 

I once decided to answer the question "What are you thinking about?" truthfully instead of just saying "Nothing."

 

She asked "What are you thinking about right now?" She may have been talking about something else but I was a mile away mentally. I responded "What Louisville's linebackers might be able to do to slow down Dalvin Cook this afternoon." That's what I think about during mornings during the fall. Just the way my brain wanders off.

 

I don't think she understood.

 

And in the end, the answer was "Not much."

We don't have many, we are pretty simple creatures.

 

1. No matter our facial expressions, or body language, we probably weren't thinking about all that much. Asking us about it will probably leave us both frustrated. If you want to know what we are thinking about, it is usually sports, food, naked women or a hobby (fishing, hunting, golf, etc.). Money might sneak in there but we usually only think about that in terms of how it affects our enjoyment of sports, food, naked women or hobbies.

 

2. There are 3 ways to make us happy. Feed us well, let us eat or drink what we want, and spend time with us naked regularly. That will do the trick.

 

3. When something is wrong, just let us fix it, or at least let us try to fix it. That is how we are wired. We don't want to talk about how we feel about the problem, or worse yet, how you feel about it. Just identify the problem, and let us do something about it. If we fail, then refer to #2 and supply us accordingly.

 

If anyone wants to add to this list, feel free, but that is about all I have at this time.

 

This is the absolute truth. Gospel.

 

I could add one thing that's NSFW, but it falls in line with "spend time with us naked regularly."