So my little red-headed bundle of joy granddaughter, Avery, will be 3 years old in October and has no relationship with her...I guess will call him biological father. He has not seen her since before she was 1 year old, and she would have no idea who he was if he came up to her today. The father has no contact with either the daughter or mother, pay no child support, is wrapped up in drugs and partying. Avery is now starting to realize other kids have "dads", (she such a smart little girl) and she says stuff about dads a lot now. We were watch Youtube last night about a baby bear cub, and some old man was raising it, and she commented that he was "her dad".

 

It's really heart breaking, but I have to be honest, I'd rather her never meet her biological father than for him to be involved in her life in the state he is now, in any form or fashion. I personally think she would be better off that way. And he could be a danger to her as far as I know. Am I wrong here? Yes in a perfect world he would be a good, hardworking young man, provide for her and be a positive influence on her...you know, be a real dad. But that isn't the situation and quite frankly I don't know if he has that in him or will ever be the case.

Edited June 20, 201610 yr by BigVMan23

Brother, I don't blame you one bit. Grandpa will just have to step in and take over that role for now. And really, who could be better right now?

 

Maybe one day when she is older she may want to confront him with the obvious questions. But until then, if it ever happens, nurture that youngin' as best you can and give her twice the love.

Biology doesn't make you a father.

I'm going with a big NO. If he is as you say, he'll break her heart more times than not and will let her down over and over. Yeah at some point she needs to know who her dad is, maybe when she is out of high school she'll want to reach out to him. I've seen so many kids repeatedly let down by dead beat and absent fathers, that as long as there is a strong family around her to love her and raise her...she doesn't need him in her life right now.

 

If he cleans his act up, then yes she does need a relationship with her dad. But is has to be a win win for her, if not dad needs to stay away.

Biology doesn't make you a father.

 

ABSOLUTELY LA!

Biology doesn't make you a father.

 

So true, but it is hard to try to explain to a 3 year old why she doesn't have a dad.

 

On the plus side, the world is filled with non traditional family units. As long as she gets love and support from the rest of the family, not having a "real dad" might not be such a loss for her.

So true, but it is hard to try to explain to a 3 year old why she doesn't have a dad.

 

On the plus side, the world is filled with non traditional family units. As long as she gets love and support from the rest of the family, not having a "real dad" might not be such a loss for her.

 

I do all I can. And she loves her "Papi", but I'm not her dad and I know kids without a good father in the home have it much more rough, on average, and go through a lot of negative side effects. It's all just very sad.

Use the time you would be using cutting your neighbors grass and do all you can to be the man in her life. Hopefully your daughter finds a man who loves the child as much as your daughter and you do and can step in to fill that role.

Keep the scumbag away from her.

My father died when I was 3. I can vaguely remember telling people who asked that my dad died. Of course, there were no follow up questions after that. My mother remarried a widower with children when I was 7. Back in those days it was rare to have anything but a traditional family. I remember being a little embarrassed at first because my natural siblings and I had different last names then my parents and step siblings.

 

I quickly got used to explaining and it didn't bother me at all. We had a very stable, close, though unique family situation. After I was grown, I learned that two of my friends had alcoholic parents, and one was physically a used by her father. I looked back and realized that our family was far more "normal" than most.

 

I am sure your grand daughter will be well loved and flourish without her dad. She will be far better off than one or two of her childhood friends whose dad is "present." Not every guy is Ward Cleaver.

If he is as you described, she's much better off without him.

I wouldn't involve him unless he cleans up and takes the initiative to become involved himself. At this point in his life it sounds like he wants no responsibilities and would be more of a problem than a solution to making your grand daughter having a traditional mother/father family.

 

My wife had two children before we we had met. Their "sperm donor" was only part of their life or so for about 6 months prior to the second child being born. He just up and left one day and never came back, never even met his daughter, only knew his son for about a year prior to leaving. He too ended up on drugs and OD'd a couple of years ago, my wife just found out last year.

 

So he never knew his kids and neither of them even know his name, much less remember him. But given the path that he went down, it worked out best for the kids in my opinion. They have been part of my life for 5 years now, as far as I'm concerned they are my own and they feel the same way. My wife and I have a 4 year old and the 5 of us have became our own family. Even though it's not traditional, it has never negatively effected her kids, they have plenty of friends and make straight A's in school, all while living a much more comfortable life than I imagine they would have if their biological father had been around.

Biology doesn't make you a father.

 

So true! My mom and biological father got divorced when I was a baby. She remarried a couple of years later and I never met my biological father after. My DAD was the great man who married my mom when she had a little baby with her and then treated me like his own (and adopted me). The Brad Paisley song "the dad you didn't have to be" hits home with me BIG TIME!

 

BigV, I hope your daughter finds a man like my mom did. In the meantime do what you can!!!

Being on the flip side of this, and marrying a woman with children from an absolute piece of garbage, I would like to add something.

 

1. When a child asks a question, IMO, it is because they are ready for an honest answer. Make it age appropriate. Kids know cover ups when they see them. It will sow distrust. My boys have asked questions. Allison, or I, have answered honestly each time. Around the age of 7, they started asking questions about race b/c of being multi-racial (not just biracial. Think Tiger Woods.) I gave an honest answer and they just moved on. Their curiosity had been quenched. So be honest.

 

2. Never be disparaging. The more you make it seem like she is missing something because he is gone, the more she will want it. Don't bash him.

 

Other than that, pray. It is a terrible place for a child to be in.

Being on the flip side of this, and marrying a woman with children from an absolute piece of garbage, I would like to add something.

 

1. When a child asks a question, IMO, it is because they are ready for an honest answer. Make it age appropriate. Kids know cover ups when they see them. It will sow distrust. My boys have asked questions. Allison, or I, have answered honestly each time. Around the age of 7, they started asking questions about race b/c of being multi-racial (not just biracial. Think Tiger Woods.) I gave an honest answer and they just moved on. Their curiosity had been quenched. So be honest.

 

2. Never be disparaging. The more you make it seem like she is missing something because he is gone, the more she will want it. Don't bash him.

 

Other than that, pray. It is a terrible place for a child to be in.

 

This! My ex's aunt told me a long time ago when I got divorced to never say anything bad about the other parent to your kids; they will figure it all out on their own eventually. You know what? They did!

Being on the flip side of this, and marrying a woman with children from an absolute piece of garbage, I would like to add something.

 

1. When a child asks a question, IMO, it is because they are ready for an honest answer. Make it age appropriate. Kids know cover ups when they see them. It will sow distrust. My boys have asked questions. Allison, or I, have answered honestly each time. Around the age of 7, they started asking questions about race b/c of being multi-racial (not just biracial. Think Tiger Woods.) I gave an honest answer and they just moved on. Their curiosity had been quenched. So be honest.

 

2. Never be disparaging. The more you make it seem like she is missing something because he is gone, the more she will want it. Don't bash him.

 

Other than that, pray. It is a terrible place for a child to be in.

 

Yeah...that will definitely be hard to do, while still trying to explain to her the situation in an honest fashion, but we will have to figure out a way.

 

Pray, yep something I definitely do.