There is SO MUCH I could tell you about this subject!!! If you want me to tell you about my situation and give you some helpful advice I will. If you will PM me I'll give you my phone number or I can call you. What I went through with my kids you wouldn't believe!! My kids were 5 and 9 when I got divorced almost 16 years ago.

Always take the high road, no matter what. It will only benefit you and your child in the long run. The only people who benefit from parents having animosity and fighting over everything are their attorneys. $$$$

 

One question, will you be living in the same area?

 

 

Good Luck:thumb:

JD, I just want to re-emphasize some of the things that people have said here, with my own personal situation. Many BGPers know that I love and respect my father more than anyone else in the world. Not all of them know why, though.

 

My parents divorced when I was four and my mother moved (with me) back to KY (from NM). She made it extremely difficult to see my father and often said negative things about him, such as "if your dad loved you as much as I do, he would want to see you more than once a year," even though he lived half a country a way and was raising three teenaged kids from his first marriage by himself (his first wife died). When he would get summer visitation, he would have to fly in to Louisville, rent a car, drive to my mother's house to pick me up, drive back and fly me back to Albuquerque, then reverse the whole thing to return me. This continued until I was 18 and could make my own decision to fly by myself. There was a time in which my father lost his job after being injured and was not able to make his full child support payments (he still sent money, just not the full amount) and she would not let him see me at all or even talk to me on the phone. Luckily, my uncle that lived next door would sneak me to his house so that my dad could call me on holidays and things. My mother would belittle the homemade (handcarved) presents that he would sometimes send me for my birthday or Christmas. She would say that it was a cheap way to get me a present, though all I ever saw was the loving hands of my father in those gifts. I know all of this makes my mother sound terrible, and there are things that make it difficult to forgive her for, but there is a great deal of good in her, too.

 

However, through it all, my father never ONCE said anything negative about my mother. The time we spent together was always rich in love and positivity. He always (even to this day, 29 years after their divorce) asked about my mother and how she was doing. Our phone conversations meant the world to me, when she wouldn't let me see him. During visits, the only negative time would come when he had to return me. My dad, the Vietnam Army sergeant who served two tours, would cry and I would be miserable for days. To this day, dad still cries when I get on the plane to leave.

 

It's amazing what my father was able to teach me, being physically absent so much. The point is, through phone calls and how he conducted himself, he gave me a wonderful example of character and was (is) always there for me. Whatever happens in your case, do your best for your child, being a positive rolemodel in his life and maximizing every minute you have together. Children are smarter then adults give them credit. It's not about money when you are with him or buying him expensive presents, it's about the amount of love that you make him feel.

 

Sorry for the long story. Sometimes it's good therapy for me. Best of luck to you in your situation. Remember, you have the wonderful job of being a father. You get to help shape and mold this young child's life. Be there in whatever way you can for him as much as you can. Feel free to rant about his mother here with us on BGP (PM me if you want!), as it sounds like you will need to. But DON'T let her drag you into a negative situation with your son.

 

Awesome story! Do yourself and your dad a favor and send him a copy of this post.

You guys do not know I how much I appreciate all the advice and kind words!

 

Some of you, I will be calling and speaking with.

 

 

I will throw out some more things.

 

 

#1 The only reason I brought up attorney fees is I am in between jobs, as Dawahares is going out of business and I was an Asst Manager there. So I am behind the 8-ball trying to get a teaching job.

 

#2 My son is 13 months old.

 

 

#3 As of right now we live 75 feet apart, within the next month it will be 5 miles.

 

#4 he has never spent more than 4 hours with me, because she refuse to let him ride in a car with me or my family driving, and well she is not very father friendly.

 

 

 

 

So once again thank you for all the help!

True blue (and gold),

I guess my situation was kinda in the reverse. When my parents separated (in the late 1960's) my father packed all three kids up (myself {female} and my two younger brothers. The youngest was 4 yr old) and relocated us from IL to KY to take a teaching position at a state university. This reversal of responsibility was unheard of at that time but fortunately my mother did not contest the decision. Dad raised us for two years by himself. He married my step-mother when I was in the 4th grade.

 

My mother ended up moving to California and I didn't visit with her until I was 15. My father NEVER spoke negatively about my mother. As a matter of fact (I didn't find out "the rest of the story" until I was an adult) throughout our childhood we spoke to our mother each year during Thanksgiving at which time she always asked us what we wanted for Christmas. I can remember being SO EXCITED to open those presents on Christmas morning. Come to find out . . . my father would rush out the last days before Christmas and purchase those items for us, placing mom's name on them because she would never send them. As a parent now . . . I can only image the pain he suffered when we were ecstatic that mom had been able to obtain those specific items each year.

 

To this day, my father will not speak negatively about my mother even though we have gone 10-12 years between contacts on many occasions. I attempted to re-establish contact with her when my daughter was born because I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with the other side of my family. We visited with her in 1992 and I haven't spoken to her since probably 1993/4.

 

 

JD,

A child needs BOTH parents in their lives. Each parent brings something different to the table making memories that will last a lifetime. Overlook any antagonistic remarks made against you. Just provide your child with loving, stable and quality time with you.

True blue (and gold),

I guess my situation was kinda in the reverse. When my parents separated (in the late 1960's) my father packed all three kids up (myself {female} and my two younger brothers. The youngest was 4 yr old) and relocated us from IL to KY to take a teaching position at a state university. This reversal of responsibility was unheard of at that time but fortunately my mother did not contest the decision. Dad raised us for two years by himself. He married my step-mother when I was in the 4th grade.

 

My mother ended up moving to California and I didn't visit with her until I was 15. My father NEVER spoke negatively about my mother. As a matter of fact (I didn't find out "the rest of the story" until I was an adult) throughout our childhood we spoke to our mother each year during Thanksgiving at which time she always asked us what we wanted for Christmas. I can remember being SO EXCITED to open those presents on Christmas morning. Come to find out . . . my father would rush out the last days before Christmas and purchase those items for us, placing mom's name on them because she would never send them. As a parent now . . . I can only image the pain he suffered when we were ecstatic that mom had been able to obtain those specific items each year.

 

To this day, my father will not speak negatively about my mother even though we have gone 10-12 years between contacts on many occasions. I attempted to re-establish contact with her when my daughter was born because I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with the other side of my family. We visited with her in 1992 and I haven't spoken to her since probably 1993/4.

 

 

JD,

A child needs BOTH parents in their lives. Each parent brings something different to the table making memories that will last a lifetime. Overlook any antagonistic remarks made against you. Just provide your child with loving, stable and quality time with you.

 

Wow. Think of how lucky we have both been, with the wonderful fathers we have! For a dad to buy presents and put the mother's names on them...it leaves me speechless. What character!

True blue (and gold),

I guess my situation was kinda in the reverse. When my parents separated (in the late 1960's) my father packed all three kids up (myself {female} and my two younger brothers. The youngest was 4 yr old) and relocated us from IL to KY to take a teaching position at a state university. This reversal of responsibility was unheard of at that time but fortunately my mother did not contest the decision. Dad raised us for two years by himself. He married my step-mother when I was in the 4th grade.

 

My mother ended up moving to California and I didn't visit with her until I was 15. My father NEVER spoke negatively about my mother. As a matter of fact (I didn't find out "the rest of the story" until I was an adult) throughout our childhood we spoke to our mother each year during Thanksgiving at which time she always asked us what we wanted for Christmas. I can remember being SO EXCITED to open those presents on Christmas morning. Come to find out . . . my father would rush out the last days before Christmas and purchase those items for us, placing mom's name on them because she would never send them. As a parent now . . . I can only image the pain he suffered when we were ecstatic that mom had been able to obtain those specific items each year.

 

To this day, my father will not speak negatively about my mother even though we have gone 10-12 years between contacts on many occasions. I attempted to re-establish contact with her when my daughter was born because I wanted my daughter to have a relationship with the other side of my family. We visited with her in 1992 and I haven't spoken to her since probably 1993/4.

 

 

JD,

A child needs BOTH parents in their lives. Each parent brings something different to the table making memories that will last a lifetime. Overlook any antagonistic remarks made against you. Just provide your child with loving, stable and quality time with you.

 

This is probably one of the coolest things I have ever read...what a good father!!!!

JD, I wish I could help you make this easier, but realize the posts that your topic has produced. There are some great stories on here and for the two posts about your Dad feel free to share more.

 

My first wife left me and a 6/3 year old boys for another man.

 

I can understand leaving me, but these were/are two sweet little boys.

 

I will share this, as time goes on try to forgive your ex-wife. I know now its not the way you are thinking right now, but this not only will help your son but yourself. I did it...you need to hear about the wife I have now....

 

We are praying not only for you and your son but for everyone involved who love you and care for you and her....Good Luck.

Wow. Think of how lucky we have both been, with the wonderful fathers we have! For a dad to buy presents and put the mother's names on them...it leaves me speechless. What character!

 

I COMPLETELY AGREE!!! My father is definately my most prominent hero!! I think the good lord DAILY that he has blessed me with such a wonderful individual in my life!!:thumb:

I don't know where to really start but first and for-most you will need to allow the family court system to determine when and how much time you see your child. You may want to believe your ex and think she will do everything she says she will, but if she is already acting like this you will need those "concrete court orders" trust me on this. She is already trying to squeeze around things by telling you "don't go to court". Things maybe going OK for right now but somewhere down the road there is going to be other people involved in this picture. When that starts and emotions start running things then is when those "concrete court orders" take over. Don't think your immune from all that emotional stuff either. It's going to happen and it will happen. Tell her that for the good and the best for everyone but most of all your child this is what has to happen. The court system doesn't care about your needs nor hers but what they care about the most is your childs welfare and care and everything they need not the parents.

I want to thank everyone who has posted here for their words and advice, I really needed and appreciate it.

 

The process has started and I dread it, but at the same time I was relieved also. I have washed my hands of her and I only care about what my son needs for him to have healthy and happy childhood.

JD, I just deleted my previous msg, as it was too full of woe in my case. I will say a few things though.

 

Cost: Ours took 5 years full on, then 8 more years off and on, fixing errors made by our lawyers most probably. My expenses were 30K+ over that time, although I fought for custody, school choice etc. You MUST make sure you geta lawyer who knows divorce, not just a good attorney. Mine left so many loopholes that you could drive a truck through.

 

Follow the advice to not trash the ex, though your wife sounds a lot like mine if she is already limiting time with your family w/o court orders. Bad sign. I wasn't 100% effective like others listed above, but I did try my best to keep it above board on my end. And it ultimately paid dividends when my daughter was older. More about that later.

 

Our initial agreement was 50/50, one week at a time, swapping every Sunday night. I think that is better than the standard agreement, though all women want the standard agreement, FYI. I think society has dictated the mother is the best caregiver, though it's not always the case anymore. Some courts are slow to changes however. I paid no support or alimony since I paid for everything anyway.

 

We had horrific battles, inside and outside of court. Most of your issues you will have to fight probably haven't even come up yet. Divorce is funny that way, it's self-perpetuating. Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and don't fight for every little thing, like the microwave. Pick your battles.

 

In the end, her mothers antics wore thin on my daughter, which is why you keep it above board. When she was 12, old enough to express her views, she actually hired a lawyer (kinda, sorta), her best friends father, w/o my knowledge. She paid him $1 (to keep him quiet) to deliver a letter to a judge, which he did. He also notified the school counselor, who notified me. In the letter, she explained her situation, and where she wanted to live. It started the whole process again. She spelled it out very clearly for the judge.

 

Currently, she lives with me, and only sees her mom about once a month, which is their choice, not mine. I tried to get them together more, but it just doesn't happen, and we only live 2 miles apart. Mom fought so hard for custody, and now doesn't make the time to see the one she fought for. The added benefit for me is that I now have a relationship with my kids older sister, who I loved like a daughter for 5 years. Her new husband forbid me to see her, and warped her mind about me. It took till she was 18 and left the house before she realized she was fed a line about me. She invited me to her HS graduation, and now we are making up for lost time.

 

The amazing thing is this. Kids can love both parents, even if the parents can't stand each other. I honestly think the fact that they are kids allows them to adapt to changing situations. If they were adults, they'd have a much harder time. Good luck, hope it works out for you guys.

PS You may want to have an answer ready for the judge if she brings up your screen name, JD if you please, since it implies drinking booze. Believe it or not, that's the kind of stupid stuff that comes up in court.

PS You may want to have an answer ready for the judge if she brings up your screen name, JD if you please, since it implies drinking booze. Believe it or not, that's the kind of stupid stuff that comes up in court.

 

That is an outstanding point, online activity is heavy food for fodder in a divorce hearing.

Guys, unfortunately(or fortunately) we were never married.