No victim deserves any blame for the physical act of violence. Clearly. But do they never deserve blame for what led up to the violence? I’ve heard people legitimately question why the DV happened and almost every single time it gets shot down by people saying the guy/girl is just a horrible human being and nothing else matters. Yeah they’re a bad person, but it kind of lends with the theory of are you born a horrible person or have the circumstances you’ve lived under made you a horrible person? Since you compared it to racism, do you think people are born racist or do you think they become racist? I’m assuming you believe they become racist. So if racism = domestic violence, wouldn’t it also be true that something had to make a person violent towards their spouse? It doesn’t excuse it, but it does help assign blame to where the violence/ racism comes from.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean that something happened with their spouse to cause the abuse. They could have been abusive in previous relationships, or just in general. Just because Ron beats Sally, it doesn't mean Sally did anything to cause it. Maybe Ron is just a scumbag, and it doesn't have anything to do with Sally.

Knowing you lurked in the thread yesterday, do you think it was victim shaming when JA asked several times about why nothing ever came about from the repeated instances Courtney Smith had with police?

 

No. I considered that as questioning why the police didn't do anything about it, not whether or not she was lying.

It doesn't necessarily mean that something happened with their spouse to cause the abuse. They could have been abusive in previous relationships, or just in general. Just because Ron beats Sally, it doesn't mean Sally did anything to cause it. Maybe Ron is just a scumbag, and it doesn't have anything to do with Sally.

But shouldn’t we also seek to find out if Sally did do something to cause Ron to hit her? I’m struggling with what is wrong with that.

No. I considered that as questioning why the police didn't do anything about it, not whether or not she was lying.

There were two outcomes to why he was asking that. One involved the police, one involved Courtney.

I think you make good points. We all know DV takes place, but how many of us have ever witnessed it? What does it even look like? Obviously the physical act is inexcusable. No one doubts that. But does that mean under no circumstance can we assess any level of blame on the victim?

 

I've seen my dad go after my mom once (he pushed her) in my life and as soon as he did it he knew he was wrong and went outside to cool off. I was around 7 or 8 when this happened. I remember giving dad a minute or two and then followed him outside. From there, dad's whole demeanor had changed. He said he wished he could take it back but that he couldn't. He reiterated to me that under no circumstances is it acceptable to hit a woman. Aside from a verbal spat here our there, I never witnessed those actions again from my dad. He's the most kind and gentle man I've known. However, right in that instance, emotion overcame him, clouded his thoughts and what resulted was my mother pushed to the ground.

 

Often, we let anger become a dictator of our decision making. It's a process to "check" that anger when involved in an argument especially with someone whom you know all their weaknesses.

 

Mom never wavered. I'm assuming they had a closed doors conversation. But my mother knew that what my father did was not in line with his behavior in the past. I specifically remember them sitting at the dinner table late into the night talking without raised voices about what had happened and how they'd never allowa situation to get to that point between them again.

 

I'm not really sure about assessing any blame on the victim, but once things get too out of control the victim needs to reach out to help themselves especially if there are no signs of abuse in the public eye.

But shouldn’t we also seek to find out if Sally did do something to cause Ron to hit her? I’m struggling with what is wrong with that.

 

I mean, I guess you can. My question would be what reasoning would we have to assume the victim did something to deserve or trigger it rather than placing the focus on the offender?

I think it’s very fair to educate yourself about the many reasons why domestic abuse victims choose to stay...

 

Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships? - The Hotline

 

According to the website you can help victims by “being there and offering support without judgement”.

 

I have not read the details of the OSU case.

There were two outcomes to why he was asking that. One involved the police, one involved Courtney.

 

I honestly didn't read many of his posts after it was obvious he was doing everything to get Meyer off the hook...

I've seen my dad go after my mom once (he pushed her) in my life and as soon as he did it he knew he was wrong and went outside to cool off. I was around 7 or 8 when this happened. I remember giving dad a minute or two and then followed him outside. From there, dad's whole demeanor had changed. He said he wished he could take it back but that he couldn't. He reiterated to me that under no circumstances is it acceptable to hit a woman. Aside from a verbal spat here our there, I never witnessed those actions again from my dad. He's the most kind and gentle man I've known. However, right in that instance, emotion overcame him, clouded his thoughts and what resulted was my mother pushed to the ground.

 

Often, we let anger become a dictator of our decision making. It's a process to "check" that anger when involved in an argument especially with someone whom you know all their weaknesses.

 

Mom never wavered. I'm assuming they had a closed doors conversation. But my mother knew that what my father did was not in line with his behavior in the past. I specifically remember them sitting at the dinner table late into the night talking without raised voices about what had happened and how they'd never allowa situation to get to that point between them again.

 

I'm not really sure about assessing any blame on the victim, but once things get too out of control the victim needs to reach out to help themselves especially if there are no signs of abuse in the public eye.

Thanks for sharing that story. I think we should be careful not to paint DV with a broad brush. Every situation is unique. Not everyone realizes the consquences of their actions like your dad did and not every victim responds the way your mother did.

I mean, I guess you can. My question would be what reasoning would we have to assume the victim did something to deserve or trigger it rather than placing the focus on the offender?

It’s not shifting the focus off the offender but rather seeking the entire story.

I honestly didn't read many of his posts after it was obvious he was doing everything to get Meyer off the hook...

No comment because this is supposed to be a Meyer free thread.

It’s not shifting the focus off the offender but rather seeking the entire story.

 

It seems like you want the issue to have started with the victim to justify the offender. I'm not saying there are never instances where the victim "caused" the abuse, but the overwhelming majority of domestic violence incidents are just because the offender is a terrible person. No other reason, no "entire story" to seek out.

It seems like you want the issue to have started with the victim to justify the offender. I'm not saying there are never instances where the victim "caused" the abuse, but the overwhelming majority of domestic violence incidents are just because the offender is a terrible person. No other reason, no "entire story" to seek out.

I disagree. I don’t think the overwhelming majority of DV cases are just because the offender is a terrible person. I think that’s the minority. Doesn’t mean the victim is to blame in the majority of cases either, just means I believe there is usually a bigger story to tell than just Ron hit Sally.

I disagree. I don’t think the overwhelming majority of DV cases are just because the offender is a terrible person. I think that’s the minority. Doesn’t mean the victim is to blame in the majority of cases either, just means I believe there is usually a bigger story to tell than just Ron hit Sally.

 

Based on what?

 

Again, what level of blame on the victim does it take for you to say it's a "bigger story" than just the offender being a bad person?

Based on what?

 

Again, what level of blame on the victim does it take for you to say it's a "bigger story" than just the offender being a bad person?

Based on my intuition and stories like KW posted.