Domestic Violence In 2018

Obviously the story with Ohio State is the basis for me starting this thread, but we all know DV in general is an extremely difficult subject to talk about in 2018. One of the first questions people want to ask is, "why he/she would stay in such an abusive relationship?" "Why couldn't they just leave?" In 2018 it seems almost taboo to bring this up. This is where the idea of victim shaming comes into play. The media and pr training has told us all that we should avoid shedding any blame on the victim. In a way, I agree with this wholeheartedly. Often times, the reason someone stays in an abusive relationship is because they are scared that society will view them at fault, that something with them was wrong, and that's why they were being abused. This all makes complete sense. We should be extremely vigilant in our demands to bring these issues to the forefront, because we don't always know what is keeping them from talking in the first place. BUT (I'm sure you all saw that coming), when do we shift our focus from trying to coddle the victim in the case to attempting to figure out the truth? Why is DV viewed almost strictly in 2018 as a black and white issue when its very rarely black and white. I think we all can think of couples that we know that are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Obviously most of these don't result in any sort of physical abuse, but often times what I've noticed is sometimes its 2 equally crazy people that have zero business being in a relationship with each other. I would venture to say a lot of the physically abusive relationships that lead to DV, started out as emotionally abusive and worked their way to physical abuse. Maybe I need to be enlightened from someone with much more wisdom on the topic than I have, but I'm trying to learn and trying to give my perspective on a subject that is treated rather inefficiently IMO. We went from one extreme to the other with regards to DV in just my short lifetime. Please don't try to discredit me from this conversation based on my views of the Ohio State case. I'm trying to have a discussion on how we cover the topic of DV in 2018. Why often times when someone asks questions about the victims story is the topic quickly shifted from trying to seek the truth to all of the sudden being called a victim shamer?

when do we shift our focus from trying to coddle the victim in the case to attempting to figure out the truth?.

A large portion of society doesnt really want to hear the truth. Not sure if its because it hits to close to home or what, but they dont want to hear it.

when do we shift our focus from trying to coddle the victim in the case to attempting to figure out the truth?.

 

A large portion of society doesnt really want to hear the truth. Not sure if its because it hits to close to home or what, but they dont want to hear it.

What is the ugly truth no one wants to speak of?

when do we shift our focus from trying to coddle the victim in the case to attempting to figure out the truth?.

 

A large portion of society doesnt really want to hear the truth. Not sure if its because it hits to close to home or what, but they dont want to hear it.

Curious what the truth is in your opinion?

What is the ugly truth no one wants to speak of?

Truth could be any sort of things, each situation is unique.

You're really taking this hard, huh?

I think, in most cases, we view domestic violence as an outsider. It's easier to just tell yourself that the couple is just having relationship problems and that they will figure it out on their own terms.

I do know if I ever came across a man hitting a woman that he and I would have words and maybe even more than just words.

It's difficult to inject yourself into another couple's relationship. We don't always see the full picture. But I do believe we need to do better at this either by having a conversation with the couple or by having that conversation with an individual involved. This however doesn't happen for fear of ruffling feathers or possibly making the situation even worse.

I think we as a society have run out of patience and compassion. When this happens in a relationship the result in many cases is domestic violence or a splitting of the relationship. I don't think there is a clear cut fix, there will always be some abusive people out there. But we've got to be more vigilant as observers and sometimes take an active role in other's relationships.

You're really taking this hard, huh?

Really trying to have an open and honest conversation without people biting each other’s head off for asking questions. Wasn’t going to comment anymore on the Urban situation except for the onvious conclusion that it’s why I started the thread. Hell yeah I’m taking this hard. What kind of question is that? But for the sake of this thread I’m trying to keep this conversation exclusively about how we talk about DV in 2018.

I applaud you for beginning a discussion on a difficult subject. You may learn how some of us feel when we try to ask honest questions in a discussion about race.

I agree with you concerning the level of dysfunction in many relationships makes it hard to know who is the aggressor, except for in a particular instance when it turns to physical violence.

The psychology of a victim in an abuse case is beyond my skill set. Why do they stay in an abusive situation? Some possible explanations may be fear of reprisal, thinking the abuser will change, the victim thinking it is partially her fault so if she would just change it won't happen again, the desire to keep a vow, a desire to "do what's best" for the children, not wanting to disappoint parents or some other significant person. Then there may be an analogy to kidnap victims and Stockholm Syndrome where they begin to sympathize with the abuser. These are only some of the possible reasons.

But there is never a reason to use physical violence on a woman unless it is truly self-defense. This is where the focus is placed. At the moment when something happened, who was at fault? A man who uses violence is going to be at fault, because he could have chosen a different tact, like walk away. Unless the woman has some sort of weapon, the man's life is not at risk. So, he didn't need to strike out physically.

I think, in most cases, we view domestic violence as an outsider. It's easier to just tell yourself that the couple is just having relationship problems and that they will figure it out on their own terms.

 

I do know if I ever came across a man hitting a woman that he and I would have words and maybe even more than just words.

 

It's difficult to inject yourself into another couple's relationship. We don't always see the full picture. But I do believe we need to do better at this either by having a conversation with the couple or by having that conversation with an individual involved. This however doesn't happen for fear of ruffling feathers or possibly making the situation even worse.

 

I think we as a society have run out of patience and compassion. When this happens in a relationship the result in many cases is domestic violence or a splitting of the relationship. I don't think there is a clear cut fix, there will always be some abusive people out there. But we've got to be more vigilant as observers and sometimes take an active role in other's relationships.

I think you make good points. We all know DV takes place, but how many of us have ever witnessed it? What does it even look like? Obviously the physical act is inexcusable. No one doubts that. But does that mean under no circumstance can we assess any level of blame on the victim?

We should remember that men can be the victims of domestic violence, too.

I was just listening to a true crime podcast today in which a mother with two children put up with emotional and physical abuse for years, because she was afraid that her husband would do what he promised if she left - kill her. She did finally leave and of course, after a while went back, because he “had changed.” The father sat the mother and two kids down in the living room and he proceeded to tell them that nobody leaves him...and he slit the mother’s throat, right in front of the kids. He fled and the kids called 911. The mother would survive. The father was only convicted of abuse, not attempted murder.

There's a way to ask questions about a victims story without actually victim shaming. I don't think someone is automatically labeled a victim shamer if they ask questions, but it does matter how and what you ask. Additionally, every situation is different, so one line of thinking can't be applied across the board.

I think you make good points. We all know DV takes place, but how many of us have ever witnessed it? What does it even look like? Obviously the physical act is inexcusable. No one doubts that. But does that mean under no circumstance can we assess any level of blame on the victim?

IMO, domestic violence is like racism, in that if it looks/seems like it is, it probably is...

What level of blame would you assign a victim of domestic violence?

IMO, domestic violence is like racism, in that if it looks/seems like it is, it probably is...

 

What level of blame would you assign a victim of domestic violence?

No victim deserves any blame for the physical act of violence. Clearly. But do they never deserve blame for what led up to the violence? I’ve heard people legitimately question why the DV happened and almost every single time it gets shot down by people saying the guy/girl is just a horrible human being and nothing else matters. Yeah they’re a bad person, but it kind of lends with the theory of are you born a horrible person or have the circumstances you’ve lived under made you a horrible person? Since you compared it to racism, do you think people are born racist or do you think they become racist? I’m assuming you believe they become racist. So if racism = domestic violence, wouldn’t it also be true that something had to make a person violent towards their spouse? It doesn’t excuse it, but it does help assign blame to where the violence/ racism comes from.

There's a way to ask questions about a victims story without actually victim shaming. I don't think someone is automatically labeled a victim shamer if they ask questions, but it does matter how and what you ask. Additionally, every situation is different, so one line of thinking can't be applied across the board.

Knowing you lurked in the thread yesterday, do you think it was victim shaming when JA asked several times about why nothing ever came about from the repeated instances Courtney Smith had with police?